A Preamble...

I am calling this a pre-amble, as its late and I don't really have the time or the inclination to write a fuller post. You may say I'm lazy, but I'm just having a rest before I've earnt it.

So, I'm back. I never really went anywhere, but as you'll find from tomorrow's post, a lot has happened, which to cut a long story short, didn't affect my mental health in the bestest [sic] way and I ended up foolishly succumbing to my depression again. I'd like to say I can't help it. I'd like to blame others. I'd like it to be the fault of circumstance. But I don't think any of those things. I think when you're depressed, and I mean really depressed, not just a bit sad, but really, desperately black and gloomy. Infectiously negative.
But it is my fault. If I blame others, lay fault at the door of circumstance, then surely I have to wait for circumstance to pick me back up again. And I decided I couldn't wait that long. So I've started to pick myself back up again.

Again, a fairly random post, but I may expand some more and explain the specific reason I have started to write in this blog again. I will certainly write more about the past two months, and maybe I'll even find the time to write about being a SAHD! Stranger things have happened.

For now, its been a long day, its late, and bed is calling.

Comfy, comfy bed. Mmmmm....

The Stay-At-Home Dad

Aches, pains and no babysitter.

Band practice went well last night, first in a while that I haven't "lubricated" my vocal chords with alkyhol, although I think the red bull may have had a similar dehydrating effect!

Got back in around half past midnight, and almost immediately I stepped through the door I was aching all over. I went into the bedroom and I was freezing. So much so I actually had to sleep with some clothes on! Go-To-Work Mum put it down to the preceding night's lack of sleep and I'm inclined to agree - I do feel better today, but surprisingly weak. I'm hoping I'm not coming down with anything, seeing as I have a gig tonight and one next week as well.

So Go-To-Work Mum's at work today and I have The Boy to myself. After his breakfast of cheese on toast (a favourite of his) he's just been playing with his toys, which now they've been sorted out and tidied seems to lead him to only play with one thing at a time, as opposed to the 'toy fatigue' he seems to get when just getting all his toys out and then ignoring them to play with the keyboard or mouse!

I found some batteries lying around, and they happened to be the correct size, so I put them in The Boy's toy henry hoover, which now actually sucks! Just small bits of fluff and paper and the like, but that means The Boy can now at least do his bit towards The Chores!

That aside, we're desperately trying to find a babysitter for a couple of hours so Go-To-Work Mum can come to the gig with me. Sometimes it feels that when we're looking for a sitter no-one is interested. Although folks will complain that they haven't seen The Boy for a while, and are quite happy to drop round unannounced (Is it just me or is a phonecall to check if its convenient too much to ask for?), there always seems to be a dearth of people willing to look after him in the evening, whether for a couple of hours or even ( the holy grail of sitting) overnight.

I know it sounds like I'm moaning, but that's largely due to the fact that I am moaning. In fact I cannot remember the last time we didn't have The Boy overnight. The closest we've got to that recently was Nana Hugs looking after him overnight at our flat whle we went to a party (not the same as getting rid for the night, as the flat is not just to ourselves when we get back), but she won't be able to look after him for a while due to having her hip replaced recently. We'll see what happens. It'll probably end up that Sister looks after him while GTW Mum comes to the gig, which is OK, but I like to have as many people there as I can, rather than having them cover Boysitter duty. Oh well.

So what's on the agenda for the rest of today? Well The Boy seems quite happy playing at the moment, I need to get ready for tonight, do some vocal exercises, get in the right mindset and, oh yeah, eat some food!

Maybe not a lot to say today, but still, I've said it.

Until tomorrow,

The Stay-At-Home Dad

Part III: "P.S."

The vacuous black hole that 'They' describe as the Depth of The Psyche.

Therein lies The Answer you seek.

Then Child,

Then,

And only then,

Will you understand that you wasted your time searching for The Answer, without stopping to find out what The Question was.

And without The Question,

The Answer,

Is Pointless.

The Question, if you ever stop long enough to find it, will answer itself all the quicker the sooner the quest for The Answer is ended.

For then,

And only then my child,

Only then will you learn that this moment only comes once; a regret wastes twice as much time; the more time you have, the more you waste, the less you time have, the more you wish you had.

Stop thinking about what you ought to do, and do it.


I feel that was probably me talking to myself, but its late, I'm enjoying a vodka, and you should enjoy my profundity while it lasts. It is wise far beyond my years.

Or maybe the 'whys?' are just beyond my ears.

Who knows?

The Stay-At-Home Dad.

Part I: Late Nights

Well yes, I skipped a day yesterday, sorry, I wasn't feeling in the mood, but today, to make it up, I'll write 2 posts... how's that sound?

The Stay=-At-Home Dad wasn't having a good day yesterday - just one of those where all the little things, the small niggles and the tiny manageable bits of work all gang up together to make a MONSTER that needs dealing with.

This wasn't helped by The Boy's incessant whining (due to his teeth coming through we think). Whining isn't really The Boy's strong point - he's usually just babbling and having fun unless he's hungry or tired (which are relatively easy-fixes), but the whining is almost constant and means even if we just leave him to go to the kitchen (where he can still see us) to make him some dinner he'll still whine! We had some respite when he went to bed, but that was shortlived as he woke up around 3.24 am in an attempt to get everyone up and out of the building by crying and wailing at the top of his lungs. For an hour or so. I bet our neighbours love us!

It was a strange one though; as Go-To-Work Mum brought The Boy into our bedroom to see if The-Stay-At-Home Dad could calm him while GTWMum prepared a bottle to try and help settle him again, The Boy just appeared frightened of us! Eventually he settled whilst watching Over The Hedge - a cracking CGI film if you haven't seen it.

I got The Boy up this morning and it was like it had never happened! He seems in a much better mood today, happily munching on his toast and being a bit funny and a bit cuddly. I've put it down to either one of, or all of three things:
1) Night terrors - seems a little young, but it would explain why he was so inconsolable and frightened of The Stay-At-Home Dad and Go-To-Work Mum;
2) The Food-Destroyers coming through and I can only imagine it hurts quite a bit - I can't quite rightly remember myself... (anyone would have thought he was the 1st baby to grow teeth though!); and
3) Maybe a little constipated - also associated (amongst other things) with new teeth.

Anyhoo, seems ok now. I'm off to try and do some Productive work in an attempt to make some money and stave off that black cloud that has been floating around near my head!

See you for Part 2 later.

The Stay-At-Home Dad

Positive Mental Attitude - not always easy to maintain!

Well, today's another day. And so is tomorrow, but that's not here yet, and you probably won't notice tomorrow until its yesterday, so I'll concentrate on today, 'cause that's where I am.

Having said that, I'll start with yesterday, which was today when today was tomorrow. Got it? Good.

When I picked up The Boy from the Baby Farm yesterday evening he was surprisingly crying (not his usual forte), but his keyworker put it down to the fact that he had been outside and wasn't liking the breeze, that and he was tired, and he seems more recently to not be able to sleep at the Baby Farm - probably due to all the shiny things and colourful distractions - afraid he might miss something!
Anyway, this Grumpy-Tired mood helped him to drop off in the Family Chariot on the way home, and I put him down when we got in, which is where he stayed for 3 hours before waking up for his tea at about 9 pm! This is when we noticed yet more teeth coming through - his canines this time- which should help bring his total amount of food-destroyers to 12. Kinda explains his Grumpy-Tiredness as well.

So back to today (although I was in today before, just yesterday's today); I had a bit of a lie-in today, facilitated by the fact that this is one of Go-To-Work Mum's days off, and crawled out of my pit around... Let's just say it was after 12pm!

Had the requisite nicotine and caffeine fix (note: this is not a health blog!) and started to get on with some of the day's chores. My new business pack had arrived in the morning's post, so plentiful reading materials and even a dvd to watch to help me grow my business; unfortunately, today seems to be one of those days where I just wasn't in the mood for some reason, I firmly beleive in Positive Mental Attitude and all that, but sometimes I think you need to spend some time to feel down before you can accept the lift of PMA. All part and parcel of being a cynic I guess.

So I took a walk down to the shop about half a mile away to get some milk. Its a lovely day, the sunshine buoyed my mood a little and the walk provided thinking time away from the Boy's whining. With some fresh milk I was able to have my coffee fix (I generally need 1 cuppa, followed by 2 coffees with 2 or 3 cigs before I feel ready to start a day). I drank that surrounded by a mountain of paperwork to get through, had a minor stress, then got on with Stuff.

The Boy has gone for an afternoon snooze, which gives me some free time to be at the computer without him trying to help me type! (hundreds of pounds spent on brightly coloured and occasionally educational toys, but he'd still rather play with computers and remote controls!).
I had a nice email letting me know that I have been approved for a scheme, which means that once I've collated all my necessary content, and finished writing my articles, I'll be able to 'launch' http://www.the-stay-at-home-dad.com/ which is fairly exciting for me. If I can make that work, then there's a couple of other sites I'll be building (on different subjects).

I find that maybe the problem with Doing Things Properly, even at my tender age (30) is that feeling that I've wasted time, and that there's now a lot less of it to waste. 10 years ago, when I had the opportunity (and the lack of expenses and responsiblilties) I was far more interested in NOW - earning money NOW with no great thoughts to the future; however, now I am trying to build things for the future, I realise that These Things Take Time to come to fruition - try telling that to the companies you bounced diect debits from! Still - onwards and upwards, they can't take it if I don't have it, and in fairness, they are being fairly accommodating and understanding of the situation so I can't (won't) complain too much.

Crikey! even in the past half hour while I've been typing this I've had 2 things to help me remember I'm headed in the right direction - firstly a phone call from my mentor on the new business thing, to let me know I'm booked on training (on Nana Hugs' birthday) so I can get cracking with that fairly soon; secondly, I've now seen the 3rd edit of our music video - not quite perfect yet, but definitely getting there! Good Stuff!

Which brings me back to something I was saying earlier... while I may have been moaning a little about The Boy's whining, a hidden bonus of his increased Grumpy-Tiredness is that he's a lot more in need of cuddles! He comes and gives a kiss properly (the baby way - mouth open!) and he's quite keen on just being picked up and cuddled, which is great!

I feel I must point out that even within the confines of an unconventional Go-To-Work Mum, Stay-At-Home Dad set-up, we are still fairly unconventional; although GTW Mum is pretty much 9-5, The Stay-At-Home Dad has rarely been that 9-5er. In fact during the years I was meant to be, I spent a considerable amount of time being chastised by my highers for timekeeping. We are not a get up at 7 am for breakfast kinda family, more get up around 10ish kinda family. ( I swear The Boy would sleep for days if we let him). This is why The Boy is often up late - his day, like mine, is just shifted along a couple of hours, and that works for us. I spend a lot of time at the computer which enables me to work late and when The Boy is asleep; as well as being in The Band which is mostly evening work, apart from the tedious video and photo shoots. I say tedious; they are generally fun, but I put that down to spending time with 3 of my best mates. The actual processes of either posing for photos or miming along to your own song for 3 hours can be tedious, repetitive and sometimes embarrassing! Its not quite the glamour you may expect.

Anyway, today's blog has proved somewhat cathartic for me, the sun is still blazing even at 5.40 pm, I've got a shedload of work to do (which I'm now looking forward to), and The Boy will no doubt be awaking from his afternoon slumber any minute.

Same time tomorrow then?

The Stay-At-Home Dad

God on the Radio, Vicar in Jail

The Stay-At-Home Dad and Go-To-Work Mum were up a little late this morning, due to the alarm clock 'not being loud enough'. Although its not my alarm clock, and it wasn't me it didn't wake!

After a hasty breakfast we got into the Family Chariot, in readiness for the week's second and last run to drop off Go-To-Work Mum at The Office (she catches a bus usually) and The Boy's last day at the Baby Farm. GTWM was was restraining The Boy in his seat while I performed the all-important task of putting the fascia on the stereo, plugging in the ipod and choosing the music.
As anybody with an ipod will know, this is not always an easy task; when you carry round almost your entire music collection what do you choose to listen to?
In the end I decided that I couldn't decide what music to listen to in the car, so I thought I'd chuck on the radio, as it's been a while since I last caught the aural delights of Terry Wogan in the morning. It turned out that Johnnie Walker is sitting in for Terry this week (or at least this morning), but he still had the regular slot, what my Dad would have called a GodSlot, with a man of the cloth speaking a few well chosen words for you to reflect upon as you go about your daily grind. I think its called 'Pause-for-Thought'. Indeed.

This is where we turned the radio on - Perfect Timing!

I can't remember the name of the vicar, but it is unimportant to this story anyway, so don't worry about it. I won't. He was talking about being in a prison (as a chaplain or some such thing), that he passed a prisoner in solitary confinement, or the prisoner passed him and they got to talking. The prisoner had drawn the chaplain a picture of some shoes and had said it was to symbolise that "you should spend some time in my shoes". The prisoner felt the chaplain should spend some time in prison, to feel the pain the prisoner felt at being in solitary. (At this point, I'm thinking that the guy is probably in Solitary Confinement for a Reason, but the story continues). The chaplain arranges to spend a day with this prisoner, in solitary, to try an understand his 'pain'. There they chat about God, The Prisoner's life, his reasons for being in prison etc.

The Moral of the story that the chaplain was telling is that we all need someone, to talk to, share thoughts and ideas and feelings with; we all need one another in effect. Now that isn't necessarily a sentiment I disagree with, in fact quite the opposite - The Stay-At-Home Dad made a definite concious decision to spend as much of my time as possible with the people I want around me - so I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment behind the chaplain's story.
No, the thing that stuck out for me in the whole tragic tale of one man's isolation in a British Gaol, was the fact that the chaplain stated twice in his story, yep, not once but twice that he passed the prisoner in solitary confinement. I was under the distinct impression that Solitary Confinement was just that - Solitary. Alone. Isolated. This means that the chaplain could not have passed him in solitary confinement, nor could the prisoner have passed the chaplain. Again, he was alone, in solitary confinement.

I believe the chaplain, purposefully and wilfully made the effort to go and see this prisoner in solitary confinement. Possibly for the specific purpose of doing some focussed God-Bothering. And there's my point. Maybe. That while I agree with the idea that we all need someone, the example of the prisoner just doesn't ring true, for it was the chaplain who sought someone to talk to, and the chaplain who volunteered to spend a day in solitary confinement; the prisoner was just doing his time. It was the chaplain who was feeling isolated, maybe down to the choices he himself had made in his own life, a metaphorical prison of The Church compared to the prisoner's physical prison.

Pause-for-Thought indeed.



Deep!

I'm off to get a coffee now before doing some article-writing. Until the next time...

The Stay-At-Home Dad